MUSINGS OF A MARRIAGE THERAPIST ON COUPLES ACROSS THE LIFE CYCLE

Has it really been over a month since my last post?  Actually, that is a rhetorical question, I already know the answer.  I have been practicing what I preach and slowing down to about one-third of my normal do-it-all, know-it-all pace. Whether you hear from me or not, this blog and its readers are never far from my mind.

Instead of talking about one particular subject, I thought I would reflect on what I have learned in the past few months from the wonderful couples who I am privileged to work with - at all stages of the life cycle.

PRE-MARITAL COUPLES: These couples are awesome. I love their earnestness, optimism and courage . Like kids walking down the  plank of a high diving board for the first time and about to plunge into an unknown swimming pool, they march bravely ahead with their eyes fixed on their wedding day.  They reflect on possible problem areas and their shared vision for their future marriage and life together. These couples are quite different from the older couples who I work with who often have years of hurt and resentment from which they need to heal.  These couples are excited and hopeful. And so am I. I love being their cheerleader, mentor and lifeguard as they prepare to take the plunge.

COUPLES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN: This group is a pooped out, hardworking bunch.  The parents often try to squeeze working several jobs as well as full time parenting into one life. They come into marriage therapy exhausted and depleted - often like two ships passing in the night as they take different shifts of child care and employment at home.  Is it surprising that their marriage and yes, sex life, is on the back burner?  In fact the back burner is barely burning at all.

 These conscientious and hard working couples are pretty much in survival mode.  Who can blame them?  A huge part of the problem is cultural and systemic with the post industrial break down of the extended family and other supports no longer available for young families.  Economic stresses do not help.  My message for these couples goes something like this - SELF CARE, SELF CARE, SELF CARE.  With all the loving and care-giving that is necessary and the tremendous out-pouring of energy that is required, these couples need to make sure that their individual cups are filled.  Then, they can have something left over to give to one another.

ADOPTIVE COUPLES:   Adoptive parents, at least from my vantage point, are among the most conscientious parents in the world.  Regardless of the state of their marriage, they will do anything, I repeat anything for their kids.  Often children who are adopted come with a unique set of problems and no instruction book.  These couples get tutors, OTs, psychiatrists and every helping professional known to humankind to help these kids catch up.  The parents are tigers at IEP meetings and fierce advocates for their kids at school.  As an adoptive parent myself, this is a group that I am proud to be part of. Being a few steps ahead of my clients, I can assure them that all the hard work and effort pays off.

 Needless to say, the wear and tear from any parenting, but especially kids with special needs, can take a toll on a couple.  I remind all these hard working couples of something a wise person once told me, Loving your spouse is the best gift that you can give your child.  It seems paradoxical but it works.  Putting your spouse back on the front burner will reap dividends for your family.

Conflict Over Different Parenting Styles

 

A common but destructive form of conflict in marriage is  over different parenting styles.  Or should I say about who's right over the correct way to parent. These arguments start with the erroneous assumption that there is only one true way to parent and each parent has exclusive knowledge of that truth.      These differences are often passionately experienced by each parent and so the struggle can be quite intense.

I like to remind parents that the overt conflict over the correct parenting style is probably worse for the child then the actual right or wrong of the issue.

Take a look at the little guy in the picture. Imagine yourself in the middle of two large human beings both of whom you are dependent on  for your very existence. They are shouting and talking  in loud angry voices.  I imagine it might feel like the world is coming to an end or that this parental war is all your fault.  This is every child's worst nightmare.

Conflict and working out differences is a normal part of life but the the picture that you see above is not how it is done. Not with your kid in the middle. Ix-nay,never and wrong. If this scene has played out at your house, we are all human after all, say sorry to your kid and assure them that it is not their fault.

 Do your best to compartmentalize your anger at your spouse regarding parenting issues when your child is around. You are a grown up, you can do it. Different opinions on how to best parent your beloved child are a normal and healthy part of parenting.  Go behind closed doors and talk about it.  See if you can't negotiate a solution.   If mom and dad can't come to agreement there are lots of other people you might want to check in with.  Wisdom is often seeking outside guidance from your larger tribe or community. Remember it takes a village ...

 

Time Out: A Great Way to Chill When All Else Fails

Did you ever have a whopper of a fight with your spouse or significant other?  Harville Hendrix, couples therapist, aptly describes one of those conflicts as a nightmare.  Or maybe it's like being stuck in quicksand.  You simply can not seem to extricate yourself. This is not a healthy fight. It's probably going no where - just escalating.

One absolutely fair way to break into this going no where good fight is for one or the other spouses to call a time out. A time out defined as a cessation of conflict and time to chill is perfectly legit.

Some spouses, in my experience, often women, erroneously think that this is an unfair tactic.  They have the mistaken belief that all conflict must be verbally resolved and hammered out at that moment. I have heard of marital arguments that went on all night. One or the other or both spouses are convinced that if they repeat themselves often enough and loudly enough, eventually the other spouse will get it. Sadly this is not the case.

I suggest that if you find yourself in a true couples nightmare of a fight, that one or the other call a time out.  A time out might be taking a break and going in your separate corners or even different rooms. It might be a walk around the block or a trip to the gym.  What is critical is that when you feel that the reptilian part of your brain has been engaged, you feel your blood pressure rising and your heart beating faster that you take a break. If you are behaving like a reptile all the more reason to chill.

My rule for couples who want to use a time out technique is that the person calling the time out needs to set a time to resume the discussion, preferably within the next 24 hours if not sooner.  That way the other partner is not left dangling.

 Dr. John Gottman is a marriage therapist of legendary status who therapists like to quote when they need something say on the level of the 10 Commandments to refer to.  When you hear a marriage therapist say John Gottman says...listen up because you know something profound and as near to the truth as marriage therapists can get is about to come out of their mouth. Here it is --- John Gottman says that the most healthy couples don't actually ever resolve conflict and tie it up in a neat little bow  - I added the little bow part.  Healthy couples learn how to work with conflict and work around it. That's the way I see it too. So don't beat yourself up if you don't end up in perfect agreement after a marital spat.   In fact sometimes a perfectly healthy resolution is to agree to disagree and respect one another's different perspectives.

So, next time you find yourself and your spouse or significant other behaving like George and Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf  take a time out.  Don't badger the spouse who asked for it.  Show a little empathy and respect their need for space if they call for a time out.

Strychnine for Your Marriage

      What's that bad for your marriage?  Speaking from many years of clinical experience, one thing that is very bad for marriages is when one partner is into pornography. It is usually the husband. When I hear about the husband regularly staying up into the wee hours of the night, coming to bed after his wife, and a drop in their sexual frequency question marks start dancing around in my brain.  Maybe he has discovered a late night movie channel on TV but then again maybe not.
      Pornography and the associated practices drain off the libido from a marriage - like a short circuit in an electrical wire. Rather then a couple turning to one another for sexual release, the partner who is into porn is likely to turn to the computer.  What starts out as a short term release of tension - pornography viewing- can easily morph into addictive behavior.
         In his movie Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex Woody Allen has an orgasm machine that, as I recall, was like a little phone booth.  Instant orgasm.  I suppose you could call Internet porn like an instant orgasm machine - none of the interpersonal effort that goes into pleasing a real person and of course, no love. Sex - releases oxcytocin and dopamine -which contribute to bonding behavior and are a critical part of the glue between two people in a marriage.   Porn drains off the libido in a marriage, in my experience, decreases sexual frequency and the interpersonal bonding between a couple.  Sounds weird, but I can almost always tell when a couple in my office has had sex that week - they are more relaxed and less reactive to one another.
      Porn is a slippery slope and a heart breaker. It is almost always discovered sooner or later. I have worked with numerous situations where the kids have inadvertently stumbled across Dad's porn.
      I would like to exclude the disclaimer, that I am not a prude and have been around the block of life a few times myself.  I have raised a son through adolescence which taught me a thing or two about easy access to porn on the Internet.  Don't get me started...
      When it comes to one person pornography...it will not help your marriage and likely make it worse.
   
 

Holidays, Young Couples and the Families Who Love Them

An unanticipated negotiation for young couples sometimes comes in the early years of marriage - which family to spend the holidays with - his, hers or try to do both? It does not occur to couples in the blissful stages of the wedding and planing for marriage that their holidays will never be the same.  The couple has to pick one or the other family to spend each holiday with which means one or the other spouse will not be with their family.

 Along with the richness and beauty of becoming a couple,there are inevitable losses.  Not being with your family on the holiday 100% of the time on your timetable is one of those losses. I imagine it is a loss as well for the families of the young couples who now have to share their children with their child's spouse's family. There is a certain latent hostility inherent in in-law relationships which surfaces in  all the tacky in-law jokes that you hear.  Sharing is hard, especially sharing your adult kids and your treasured family traditions.

How do we gracefully untangle from this complex family tangle?

Letting go is probably a good start. Do not cling too tightly to the past and make space for your family traditions to morph into something new.  I know this is easier said then done.  You are a family in transition now - integrating the comforting traditions of the past with the new life that is weaving into the present.

Let yourself grieve and mourn as you let go of your childhood holiday traditions.  Judith Viorst has a classic book called Necessary Losses.  This is one of them.  Grieve the loss of the old so you can welcome the new.  It will save a lot of conflict and wear and tear.  For those of you who embrace Christmas - along with the birth of the Christ child, embrace the holiday season that your family is birthing anew.

Holidays and the Fantasy of the Perfect Family

     Holidays are more complicated then they appear.  Oozing with expectations from one too many fantasy-creating Hallmark images, holidays can be a recipe for disaster.  The pressure to create a picture perfect family scenario of a thankful family carving the turkey is enormous. Those fantasies can lead to crushing perfectionism with our longing for what we wish had been.  Our longings can cause us to try too hard and overlook the family that we do have now, in real time.  Stir in a little alcohol at a family gathering and you can have a real mess.  
    How can we avoid exhaustion,spending more then we have, trying to do it all, and other symptoms of addictively seeking the perfect holiday?
1.) Staying in the here and now would probably be a good start.  Rewinding to the past or fast forwarding to the future, probably won't enhance what you have now with the possible exception of fond and idealized reminiscences.  They are probably okay.

2.) Radical acceptance of your family members is another good idea - with all their well known imperfections and character defects.  Don't be mad at them for the discrepancy between your idealized notion of who they ought to be and who they are.  Accepting them for who they are, loving them as is can be the beginning of authentic intimacy.  I believe that I discovered that truth when I was teaching Marriage and the Family at DePaul when I taught about developmental stages of marriage. It's true.  You have to mourn the idealized notion of who you wish your mother, father, son, daughter fill in the blank, oh yes, last but not least, spouse were. Then you have the glorious opportunity to love them for who they are...which might actually be cooler then who you wish they were and all the resultant resentment that goes along with that.

3.) For the final ingredient, stir in a little gratitude.  I remember once having a whopping fight with my husband over the exact perfect positioning of the Christmas tree - in front of the window or in the corner? It was a classic fight for a holiday perfectionist and guaranteed to ruin anyone's day who happened to be within earshot.  An acquaintance came by and marveled at the beauty of our tree.  Somehow she dropped the fact that they did not have or could not afford a Christmas tree. It caused an immediate shift in my perspective about the  necessity of the perfect tree.  I suggest that you ask yourself How important is it? before you relapse into a holiday snit.  And be grateful for the beauty of the half of your glass that is full.

Maturity in Marriage

So, I was all set to write another post on unconscious fear of intimacy.  I still will do that.  God knows there are plenty of reasons to be fearful of intimacy - both conscious and unconscious, real and imagined.  I found myself pondering what's really important in marriage?  The older I get - the longer I both practice and am married, I realize that what's really important in marriage are the basics.

1.) Kindness - when in doubt don't growl or grumble at your spouse.  An unexpected kind word or thank you will reap dividends in the emotional bank of marriage.  The esteemed, revered and frequently quoted marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has learned from many hours of research and observation of couples that a harsh start-up in conversation dooms the rest of the conversation to a downhill, slippery slope of re activity.  Duh.  If you think about it, it is common sense 101.  A tone or comment of kindness at the outset of a conversation guarantees a better outcome.

2.) Saying sorry -  The 12 Step Programs (AA, Al-Anon) have a step which goes something like this When we were wrong, promptly admitted it. How's that for humility?  Let's say you and your spouse are having words.  What's the single most disarming thing that you can do to put a halt to the skirmish?  Admit your part in it. Let's say you're 1% wrong and your spouse is 99% wrong.  What's the right approach? Acknowledge your 1%.  Own up and take full responsibility for your 1%. And then point out their 99%? You may wonder.  The answer is no.  Take responsibility for your part in the kerfuffle.  Trust me you have a part in it.

3.) Bend and you're less likely to break - A little flexibility goes a very long way in marriage.  When in doubt, surrender.  Butting heads and power struggles are very characteristic of the early stages of marriage.  Duking it out over the usual - time, money and  which direction the toilet paper roll should hang may have a certain passionate exhilaration in your early twenties but the charm wears off rapidly and the winner often turns out to be the loser. 
   
Here's a noble for instance.  This weekend my incredibly flexible and hardworking husband wanted to have dinner at The Texas Roadhouse. A noisy restaurant full of red meat eaters is pretty close to my idea of hell on earth. In Wisconsin, no less.  In the middle of a two hour ride home, no less.  Much to my credit, I did  not moan, bitch or kvetch. I know right from wrong.  The poor dude had been riding a lawn mower non-stop for three days straight. A steak it was...Love is sometimes eating at The Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin.

4.) Your spouse can not read your mind - Say what you need.  Wishing your spouse knew exactly what you want and need and will produce it unsolicited is a common but somewhat infantile fantasy. Do not expect your spouse to read your mind. It is not reasonable or realistic.  You gotta let 'em know.

If couples who have been married a long time want to comment on the cement that has kept them together for all these years, I would love to hear from them.  We need a little first hand experience which will no doubt put my steak eating sacrifice to shame. What are the basics that have strengthened your marriage?