tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83301707747389652272024-02-06T18:12:38.809-08:00Marriage Therapy 101I am thrilled to welcome you to my blog. I am writing this for the couples who I work with - present, past and future. They all have a place in my heart and I welcome being on the journey with them. My goal for this blog is to teach you a little about some of the predictable patterns and dynamics that take place in marriage and hopefully provide some help that can strengthen your marriage.
LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-69814891730850278582021-01-02T10:29:00.000-08:002021-01-02T10:29:26.087-08:00<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/y62veCinCvc" width="320" youtube-src-id="y62veCinCvc"></iframe></div><p>Here you have it - wisdom from a kid. Push skip ads if necessary. You will never need a marriage therapist if you listen to this kid.</p><p>Linda</p><p></p>LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-63786662126540412202014-03-28T21:49:00.001-07:002014-03-28T21:49:54.926-07:00Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/sa0RUmGTCYY" width="480"></iframe><br /><br />
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Okay, so this is 19 minutes...but a really great investment if you want to learn about how to keep sex alive in the familiarity of marriage. Can't believe that I am finally reading her book <i>Mating in Captivity.</i> <i> Foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing...Responsibility and desire butt heads... Passionate couples have demystified the myth of spontaneity...committed sex is premeditated sex,it's focused and intentional...</i>If you have been married more then five days, this is totally worth watching. <i> </i>LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-11805256109101936542014-03-18T10:33:00.001-07:002014-03-24T07:55:24.400-07:00Shirley and Jenny: Two Elephants Reunited After More Than 20 YearsComrades...survivors in a captive world. With Jenny by her side, Shirley stands to face her future. Home at last, they will lie out their days together...<br />
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The joyful reunion...attachment and bonding...as they lumber off to live their life together...<br />
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Hoping this visual will help remove the chains and give a sweet picture of hope for the future of all our marriages.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/lF8em4uPdCg" width="459"></iframe><br />LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-79517042689551856132014-02-19T07:36:00.000-08:002014-02-23T19:56:10.827-08:00What Anna and Mr. Bates are Getting Wrong<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oooh, I am tearing my hair out! If only I were the marital therapist for Anna and Mr.Bates. They are such an incredibly lovely couple but they are really getting this all wrong. <br />
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The short version of the back story goes like this in case you are one of the few people on the face of the earth not watching Downton Abbey. I understand such people do exist.<br />
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Anna and Mr. Bates are possibly one of the nicest, noblest couples on the face of the earth. In a world fraught with secrets and civility, Anna and Mr. Bate's love and integrity is a shining example. I won't bore you with the details of how his ex-wife framed Mr. Bates for murdering her by killing herself and how Anna, with the help of the Crawley family, unravels the plot and saves Mr.Bates from hanging for a crime that he did not commit.<br />
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From a clinical perspective, the trauma that this couple has survived helps explain some of the mistakes they make later in their marriage. From a moral perspective, Thomas - the creepy butler- is hellbent on collecting the dirt on the other servants. He considers Anna <span style="font-family: inherit;">incorruptible.</span> You could say the same about Mr. Bates. In a world of good guys and bad guys, you know exactly where Anna and Mr. Bates stand.<br />
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When Anna is viciously raped by Mr. Gillingham's valet, Mr. Green, Anna is clearly traumatized, dazed and depressed. It is not a bad depiction of the impact of rape on a woman. Mrs. Hughes stumbles across Anna in the servant's quarters and finds her tattered and bruised. Anna tells Mrs. Hughes the truth but swears her to secrecy. Here is where Anna makes her first mistake. She does not disclose the rape to her husband. <br />
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She is clearly depressed, she goes so far as to move out of her home with Mr. Bates. Mr. Bates, obviously gets that something is amiss but he does not have a clue. Exactly. <br />
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Out of fear that her husband will kill Mr. Green, Anna keeps the rape to herself. It is a strangely protective strategy which does not work.<br />
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If only Anna and Mr. Bates were in marital therapy. I would have encouraged her to disclose directly to Mr. Bates what happened. They could have wept, grieved, gnashed their teeth and perhaps sought justice for this crime together. Talking in a safe context- always helps in marriage - especially when it comes to disclosing something huge that has violated the marriage and traumatized one of the partners. Surviving a terrible tragedy together can draw couples together and strengthen the bond.<br />
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By not disclosing the rape to her husband, the tension mounts between Anna and Mr. Bates. Mr. Bates finally wheedles part of the story out of Mrs. Hughes but in his own weird protective strategy does not tell Anna what he knows. Meanwhile you can tell that Mr. Bates is seething with unexpressed rage. Neither of them has disclosed the whole story to one another which - although incredibly painful - would have helped them to grieve and dissipate the rage.<br />
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Fast forward when Mr. Green, the rapist, turns up dead in the street on the same day that Mr. Bates has taken a leave from work, things are looking bad for Mr. Bates. Has Anna's worst nightmare come true? Stay tuned.<br />
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The moral of this story so far is -- don't keep secrets. I hate to speak in absolutes so I will do my best. Secrets almost always come out- in one way or another. It is much healthier to disclose them directly. Even well intentioned secrets can wreck havoc on true intimacy in a marriage.<br />
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And talk. Talking - in a safe context- is almost always a preferable alternative to keeping things to yourself. Anna and Mr. Bates are living proof of that. Gee- I hope he didn't do it.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-34587744775876278862014-02-13T07:14:00.001-08:002014-02-13T07:14:56.735-08:00Countdown to Valentine's Day<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/zUrqEoeJ1DA" width="480"></iframe><br /><br />
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It's never too late...LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-35445791152199319182014-02-03T08:56:00.000-08:002014-02-03T08:56:56.069-08:00Things Couples Should Say More Often - Guaranteed to Improve Your Marriage I <span style="font-size: large;">LOVED </span>the previous video <i>Twenty Things We Should Say More Often.</i> It cracked me up and kept me giggling all day. I could feel my endorphin's kicking in. I quoted them to couples who I work with and giggled every time I did. Check out the previous post if you missed it last week - <i>More Wisdom From the Mouths of Babes.</i><br />
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The truth is that saying nice things in a nice tone of voice is guaranteed to improve your marriage. Saying grumpy - if honest- critical, judgmental or harsh statements is guaranteed to make it worse. Research by John Gottman will back me up on this if you are the type that needs footnotes. Otherwise, trust me.<br />
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Positive reinforcement is much more potent then negative and can change reactive, negative patterns.<br />
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Try using the following in your marriage and see what happens.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thank you * </span>sends a message of love and respect. It says that you value and appreciate the person. Instead of nagging or kvetching about something you do not like about your spouse, try thanking them for something you do appreciate. Guaranteed to work.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Excuse me * </span>similar to thank you. It's Civility 101 in a marriage. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I'm sorry* </span>should be an everyday part of the vocabulary of a married couple. It is simply impossible to live intimately with another person and not annoy or hurt one another. Taking responsibility - even if you are only 1% wrong is appropriate and disarming in a marital conflict. You heard me right. Even if you are only 1% wrong - own up to it. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I forgive you* </span>is probably the single most important ingredient for a happy marriage. Wrongs, offenses and hurt feelings are an inevitable part of married life. Letting go of those feelings is critical. This is not the same as cheap grace or excusing unacceptable behavior. Forgiveness of life's everyday slights and hurts is part of maturity and a growing marriage.<br />
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More thoughts on <i>20 Things We Should Say More Often</i> to come. Try these.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-21277463351063658352014-01-28T09:10:00.001-08:002014-01-28T09:13:25.965-08:00More Wisdom for Couples from the Mouths of Babes...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/m5yCOSHeYn4" width="480"></iframe><br />
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I love this kid...I could write a blog post about each of his 20 things we should say more often....I especially love this one for couples,<em> It's okay to disagree just don't be mean about it. </em>Stay tuned to my follow-up to these wise words.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-15289739421992884702014-01-27T07:41:00.001-08:002014-01-27T07:41:07.087-08:00Another Brother Sister Story to Inspire Couples! <iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/3_UYh5_YVmI" width="480"></iframe>LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-41714647122989558322014-01-25T13:28:00.001-08:002014-01-25T13:35:38.309-08:00A Very Moving Video<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/cHkr0ysHSeI" width="459"></iframe><br />
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Try applying this to your marriage.....LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-58170450532273929602014-01-19T22:51:00.000-08:002014-01-19T23:29:23.741-08:00Saving Mr. Banks RevisitedMoved by the psychological lessons in <i>Saving Mr. Banks</i>, my husband and I schlepped off to see the movie again on a frigid Chicago night. Generally, one viewing per movie is my limit. I schlepped off to see the movie a second time because I thought I had more to learn from it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq9Zp2Vq7sJwghufm858sK4QRH0mR5VhCwvMkN8JuZtoh0WDmZ7dAjh_77ixfIa9B3hYBpuUyaStqg93NytCFs6wgu4TKBCSQhixFZsL4IVCD8je5eMEgh3QpEHzQysFGihiqDs1w8_7l2/s1600/WALT+DISNEY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq9Zp2Vq7sJwghufm858sK4QRH0mR5VhCwvMkN8JuZtoh0WDmZ7dAjh_77ixfIa9B3hYBpuUyaStqg93NytCFs6wgu4TKBCSQhixFZsL4IVCD8je5eMEgh3QpEHzQysFGihiqDs1w8_7l2/s1600/WALT+DISNEY.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a>This movie is about PL Travers, the author of Mary Poppins and her relationship with Walt Disney. PL Travers had an alcoholic father who died when she was 7 and a depressed, suicidal mother. Interestingly enough, Walt Disney,too, had a difficult childhood with a father who could be characterized as emotionally abusive. it is not uncommon to find married couples who each have had painful childhoods fraught with trauma. <br />
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What stood out to me in my second viewing were the personality traits of Mrs. Travers that are characteristic of adults who have grown up in an alcoholic family. To say that Mrs. Travers had profound difficulty with flexibility and trust would be an understatement. From the moment that she steps on the plane to the US, she it totally unable to accept help from anyone for something as simple as stowing her baggage in the overhead compartment. Repeatedly her chilly response to anyone kindly offering her assistance is, "No thank you. I'm perfectly capable myself." <br />
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Being forced to assume super-human amounts of responsibility as children, ACOAs develop a shell of pseudo independence that is tough to penetrate, and I might add, to love. A peek into the childhood of PL Travers reveals heartbreaking scenes. Ultimately, she feels that she is responsible for the survival of both parents. That is a load to heavy for any child to bear. Mrs. Travers inability to accept warmth and help and her controlling nature have evolved from her childhood experience where life was totally out of control. <br />
There were no big people around to shoulder the horrific emotional blows and losses that Mrs. Travers experienced as a child. <br />
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If you understand Mrs. Travers in the context of her childhood,it is much easier to have compassion and understanding for her. Although it may be a very sanctified picture of Walt Disney in this flick, he does a terrific job of <i>getting</i> Mrs. Travers and relating to her in a productive and gently confronting way.<br />
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Whether you are a Mrs. Travers yourself or married to one, understanding yourself or your spouse in the context of the pain that either they or you grew up in will always help. Don't psychoanalyze your spouse or pepper them with interpretations about their childhood. That is an understandable impulse but a terrible idea. Trust me, it never works. But seeing yourself or your spouse through eyes of understanding and empathy will always help. It's a tall order but it works.<br />
<i><br /></i>LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-15281369481506120482014-01-08T14:27:00.002-08:002014-01-08T14:27:40.190-08:00Are you married to an ACOA or are one yourself? You gotta see Saving Mr. Banks... <br />
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<i>Saving Mr. Banks </i>is a powerful and poignant portrait of PL Travers, the author of <i>Mary Poppins.</i> Flashbacks to the childhood of this formal and crotchety British author provide profound insight into the inflexible and rigid Mrs. Travers. Her alcoholic father was alternately warm, generous,loving and vicious and cruel. Her mother wears the weary mask of the wife of an alcoholic. In a scene that takes your breath away, she walks into the lake in a suicide attempt. Fortunately PL Travers' mother is rescued by her hyper -vigilant daughter. <br />
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The movie flows gracefully between the past and the present. Mrs. Travers struggles with the songwriters as they attempt to transform Mary Poppins to a Disney movie. Having grown up in trauma, loss and chaos she does not surrender control easily if at all. Control struggles and an unyielding sense of always being right are pretty typical symptoms of adults whose childhood was more or less out of control. <br />
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Walt Disney who discloses to Mrs. Travers about his own painful childhood astutely intuits what Mrs. Travers needs. Although she vigorously protests, a day in Disney World is precisely the find of fun and leisure that Mrs. Travers sorely lacked as a child. ACOA's often do not do well with fun and leisure and like Mrs. Travers have to be dragged kicking and screaming.<br />
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My favorite line in the movie is by Walt Disney. <i>Our stories are redemptive,</i> he says. <i>That's what we story tellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again and again. </i>Both P.L.Travers and Walt Disney found redemption and healing for their childhood pain through telling their stories through the magical lenses of their characters. <i> </i><br />
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What does all this have to do with marriage therapy, you may be scratching your head and asking yourself. <i>Saving Mr. Banks</i> is a wonderful lesson in empathy. If you are married to someone like P.L.Travers or recognize a bit of her in yourself try seeing your spouse or yourself through the lens of their childhood trauma.<br />
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Underneath the brittle exterior is often a frightened child who is terrified of change. If, like Walt Disney, you can avoid control battles with the adult child of an alcoholic and comfort the frightened child who is cowering within that exterior of control you can go a long way towards making a connection. <br />
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<br />LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-49379498282915141432013-07-18T13:10:00.000-07:002013-07-19T09:28:19.229-07:00The Story of a Very Bad RelationshipDid you ever wonder why people stay in emotionally abusive relationships? The story of Sooty-Foot the dappled mare and her encounter with Rusty the conniving cat may give you some insight.<br />
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<i>Sooty-Foot </i>by Stephen Cosgrove (c 2012 S. Cosgrove) is a kids book that shows the insidious dynamics of an exploitive relationship. If you are interested in this subject - living it, teaching it or know someone who is - I suggest you read this story. <br />
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Sooty-Foot is a special dappled mare - sensitive and perhaps a bit lonely who becomes charmed by Rusty the tomcat. Rusty tells Sooty-Foot stories, feeds her sweet smelling hay and invites her to stay in a cozy stall. Sooty-Foot is soon working for Rusty in an effort to repay his kindness. <br />
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The relationship shifts as Rusty feeds Sooty-Foot less and uses criticism and blaming to spur Sooty- Foot on. <i>Sooty-Foot felt very bad. It must have been her fault. "I'm sorry! Maybe I can help you with the chores again?" </i><br />
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Sooty-Foot goes back to work. <i>"I must work harder," she thought. "Then Rusty will be my friend again and tell me stories like he used to."</i><br />
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This story describes the sequence of an abusive relationship. The vulnerable Sooty-Foot accepts the blame and consciously or not feels that she is to blame for the abuse.<br />
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Children with an abusive parent both love and hate the parent. They unconsciously believe that 1.) They are to blame for the abuse and 2.) If only they work harder, try harder that they can restore the relationship to the original blissful state. The same may be true of relationships of adults who had an abusive or neglectful parent.<br />
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Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful and crazy making. Rusty intermittently feeds Sooty Foot and tells her stories and then cruelly criticizes her. The child's wish to rekindle the parents love - and the underlying fantasy of omnipotence- is what fuels the relationship and why, in this case, Sooty-Foot works harder and harder to regain Rusty's lost affection.<br />
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Finally,after enduring considerable abuse, Sooty-Foot runs away. She looks into a stream and gazing back at her is her reflection of a beautiful, dappled mare.She realizes that she is not a stupid, ugly horse like Rusty has been telling her.<br />
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I encourage you to read this story about how abusive relationships work. A picture book is worth a thousand words. (Stephencosgrove.com) If you suspect you might be a Sooty Foot or in a relationship like this one, listen up. You are most likely a beautiful dappled mare.<br />
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<br />LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-8307907337612570452013-07-01T13:12:00.000-07:002013-07-01T13:13:08.227-07:00BLAMING<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Blaming is a first cousin of verbal abuse. <i>This house is such a mess, it's your fault that I yell when I come home.</i><br />
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Blaming is a form of abdication of responsibility. It is exactly what it sounds like - blaming someone else for your own behavior.<br />
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Alcoholics are notorious for blaming behavior. <i>If only you did or did</i> <i>not</i> <i>do this.</i>...<i>then I would not drink so much.</i> <i>If only you were </i>- fill in the blank -<i>nicer, thinner, sexier,more</i> <i>understanding - I would not</i> - fill in the blank again- <i>drink, drug, watch porn or act like a jerk.</i><br />
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For the person being blamed, it is very important not to buy into the blame. If you are sensitive and tend towards over responsibility that is hard but important. Not buying into the blame, takes the power right out of it. I am not suggesting that the person being blamed be insensitive, just that they do not assume responsibility for whatever it is they are being blamed for. If you had a tough childhood with more then your share of trauma, you may be inclined to assume responsibility for stuff you did not do.<br />
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Al-anon has a great slogan, <b>You did not cause it, you can not cure it, you can not control it.</b> That slogan refers to alcoholism and is a great mantra for spouses and children of alcoholics or anyone who is in a family where blame is bandied about. Say that to yourself over and over. Be kind as possible to the blamer. When necessary implement another great Al-anon slogan,<b> Detach with love. </b><br />
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We all regress a little in our marriages. Take a walk, call a friend or read a book. Come back together when the blaming dies down. Blessings on your journey to surviving the rough pockets in marriage. <br />
LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-76030625357755831932013-06-24T14:14:00.000-07:002013-06-24T14:14:39.480-07:00Verbal AbuseThere is not too much that is cute or redemptive about this subject - verbal abuse. It is probably as hurtful and serious as physical abuse. <br />
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The insidious thing about verbal abuse is that like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, it tends to heat up slowly. It gradually numbs the recipient of the verbal abuse until their perception of reality is skewed and what would once have one seemed unthinkable has become normal. Recipients of verbal battering become depressed and their self esteem erodes.<br />
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The effects of the verbal abuse are so slow and destructive over time, that rather then jump out of this deadly brew, the abuse recipient develops a tolerance and this reality becomes the new normal.<br />
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What is verbal abuse? I would define verbal abuse as name calling, vulgar language, public criticism or any verbal exchange that involves cruelty. <br />
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Verbal abuse is 100% intolerable and unacceptable. I repeat it is not to be tolerated and in a gentle sort of way requires firm limit setting. <br />
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I would not attempt to dialogue or reason with a person who is being verbally abusive. In a firm but non-reactive way, I would exit the conversation and perhaps say that you need a time out. I would certainly not retaliate or escalate the situation in any kind of way. These kinds of exchanges are about power and control not about reason or rationality. <br />
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A good response might be <i>That hurt my feelings. I need some space.</i><br />
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Reactive, heating up the situation even further is guaranteed not to work. Be an adult - take a walk, if you can, read a book, call a girl friend. Do your best to sooth yourself, a psychotherapists like to say, and not to participate in a situation that is already regressed and deteriorating.<br />
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<br />LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-25475391859562717402013-05-27T10:08:00.000-07:002013-05-27T10:08:22.127-07:00MUSINGS OF A MARRIAGE THERAPIST ON COUPLES ACROSS THE LIFE CYCLEHas it really been over a month since my last post? Actually, that is a rhetorical question, I already know the answer. I have been practicing what I preach and slowing down to about one-third of my normal do-it-all, know-it-all pace. Whether you hear from me or not, this blog and its readers are never far from my mind.<br />
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Instead of talking about one particular subject, I thought I would reflect on what I have learned in the past few months from the wonderful couples who I am privileged to work with - at all stages of the life cycle.<br />
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<b>PRE-MARITAL COUPLES:</b> These couples are awesome. I love their earnestness, optimism and courage . Like kids walking down the plank of a high diving board for the first time and about to plunge into an unknown swimming pool, they march bravely ahead with their eyes fixed on their wedding day. They reflect on possible problem areas and their shared vision for their future marriage and life together. These couples are quite different from the older couples who I work with who often have years of hurt and resentment from which they need to heal. These couples are excited and hopeful. And so am I. I love being their cheerleader, mentor and lifeguard as they prepare to take the plunge. <br />
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<b>COUPLES WITH YOUNG CHILDREN:</b> This group is a pooped out, hardworking bunch. The parents often try to squeeze working several jobs as well as full time parenting into one life. They come into marriage therapy exhausted and depleted - often like two ships passing in the night as they take different shifts of child care and employment at home. Is it surprising that their marriage and yes, sex life, is on the back burner? In fact the back burner is barely burning at all.<br />
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These conscientious and hard working couples are pretty much in survival mode. Who can blame them? A huge part of the problem is cultural and systemic with the post industrial break down of the extended family and other supports no longer available for young families. Economic stresses do not help. My message for these couples goes something like this - SELF CARE, SELF CARE, SELF CARE. With all the loving and care-giving that is necessary and the tremendous out-pouring of energy that is required, these couples need to make sure that their individual cups are filled. Then, they can have something left over to give to one another.<br />
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<b>ADOPTIVE COUPLES:</b> Adoptive parents, at least from my vantage point, are among the most conscientious parents in the world. Regardless of the state of their marriage, they will do anything, I repeat anything for their kids. Often children who are adopted come with a unique set of problems and no instruction book. These couples get tutors, OTs, psychiatrists and every helping professional known to humankind to help these kids catch up. The parents are tigers at IEP meetings and fierce advocates for their kids at school. As an adoptive parent myself, this is a group that I am proud to be part of. Being a few steps ahead of my clients, I can assure them that all the hard work and effort pays off.<br />
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Needless to say, the wear and tear from any parenting, but especially kids with special needs, can take a toll on a couple. I remind all these hard working couples of something a wise person once told me, <i>Loving your spouse is the best gift that you can give your child.</i> It seems paradoxical but it works. Putting your spouse back on the front burner will reap dividends for your family.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-25173675593632897302013-04-09T09:33:00.000-07:002013-04-09T09:33:04.234-07:00Conflict Over Different Parenting Styles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A common but destructive form of conflict in marriage is over different parenting styles. Or should I say about who's right over the correct way to parent. These arguments start with the erroneous assumption that there is only one true way to parent and each parent has exclusive knowledge of that truth. These differences are often passionately experienced by each parent and so the struggle can be quite intense.<br />
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I like to remind parents that the overt conflict over the correct parenting style is probably worse for the child then the actual right or wrong of the issue.<br />
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Take a look at the little guy in the picture. Imagine yourself in the middle of two large human beings both of whom you are dependent on for your very existence. They are shouting and talking in loud angry voices. I imagine it might feel like the world is coming to an end or that this parental war is all your fault. This is every child's worst nightmare.<br />
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Conflict and working out differences is a normal part of life but the the picture that you see above is not how it is done. Not with your kid in the middle. Ix-nay,never and wrong. If this scene has played out at your house, we are all human after all, say sorry to your kid and assure them that it is not their fault.<br />
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Do your best to compartmentalize your anger at your spouse regarding parenting issues when your child is around. You are a grown up, you can do it. Different opinions on how to best parent your beloved child are a normal and healthy part of parenting. Go behind closed doors and talk about it. See if you can't negotiate a solution. If mom and dad can't come to agreement there are lots of other people you might want to check in with. Wisdom is often seeking outside guidance from your larger tribe or community. Remember it takes a village ... <br />
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LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-75565178072604432192013-03-01T21:14:00.000-08:002013-03-01T21:14:31.975-08:00Time Out: A Great Way to Chill When All Else Fails<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Did you ever have a whopper of a fight with your spouse or significant other? Harville Hendrix, couples therapist, aptly describes one of those conflicts as a nightmare. Or maybe it's like being stuck in quicksand. You simply can not seem to extricate yourself. This is not a healthy fight. It's probably going no where - just escalating.<br />
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One absolutely fair way to break into this going no where good fight is for one or the other spouses to call a time out. A time out defined as a cessation of conflict and time to chill is perfectly legit.<br />
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Some spouses, in my experience, often women, erroneously think that this is an unfair tactic. They have the mistaken belief that all conflict must be verbally resolved and hammered out at that moment. I have heard of marital arguments that went on all night. One or the other or both spouses are convinced that if they repeat themselves often enough and loudly enough, eventually the other spouse will get it. Sadly this is not the case.<br />
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I suggest that if you find yourself in a true couples nightmare of a fight, that one or the other call a time out. A time out might be taking a break and going in your separate corners or even different rooms. It might be a walk around the block or a trip to the gym. What is critical is that when you feel that the reptilian part of your brain has been engaged, you feel your blood pressure rising and your heart beating faster that you take a break. If you are behaving like a reptile all the more reason to chill.<br />
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My rule for couples who want to use a time out technique is that the person calling the time out needs to set a time to resume the discussion, preferably within the next 24 hours if not sooner. That way the other partner is not left dangling.<br />
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Dr. John Gottman is a marriage therapist of legendary status who therapists like to quote when they need something say on the level of the 10 Commandments to refer to. When you hear a marriage therapist say <i>John Gottman says</i>...listen up because you know something profound and as near to the truth as marriage therapists can get is about to come out of their mouth. Here it is --- John Gottman says that the most healthy couples don't actually ever resolve conflict and tie it up in a neat little bow - I added the little bow part. Healthy couples learn how to work with conflict and work around it. That's the way I see it too. So don't beat yourself up if you don't end up in perfect agreement after a marital spat. In fact sometimes a perfectly healthy resolution is to agree to disagree and respect one another's different perspectives.<br />
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So, next time you find yourself and your spouse or significant other behaving like George and Martha in <i>Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf </i> take a time out. Don't badger the spouse who asked for it. Show a little empathy and respect their need for space if they call for a time out.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-81817277975459196942013-01-07T15:38:00.000-08:002013-01-09T06:24:43.717-08:00Strychnine for Your Marriage <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What's that bad for your marriage? Speaking from many years of clinical experience, one thing that is very bad for marriages is when one partner is into pornography. It is usually the husband. When I hear about the husband regularly staying up into the wee hours of the night, coming to bed after his wife, and a drop in their sexual frequency question marks start dancing around in my brain. Maybe he has discovered a late night movie channel on TV but then again maybe not.<br />
Pornography and the associated practices drain off the libido from a marriage - like a short circuit in an electrical wire. Rather then a couple turning to one another for sexual release, the partner who is into porn is likely to turn to the computer. What starts out as a short term release of tension - pornography viewing- can easily morph into addictive behavior.<br />
In his movie <i>Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex</i> Woody Allen has an orgasm machine that, as I recall, was like a little phone booth. Instant orgasm. I suppose you could call Internet porn like an instant orgasm machine - none of the interpersonal effort that goes into pleasing a real person and of course, no love. Sex - releases oxcytocin and dopamine -which contribute to bonding behavior and are a critical part of the glue between two people in a marriage. Porn drains off the libido in a marriage, in my experience, decreases sexual frequency and the interpersonal bonding between a couple. Sounds weird, but I can almost always tell when a couple in my office has had sex that week - they are more relaxed and less reactive to one another.<br />
Porn is a slippery slope and a heart breaker. It is almost always discovered sooner or later. I have worked with numerous situations where the kids have inadvertently stumbled across Dad's porn.<br />
I would like to exclude the disclaimer, that I am not a prude and have been around the block of life a few times myself. I have raised a son through adolescence which taught me a thing or two about easy access to porn on the Internet. Don't get me started... <br />
When it comes to one person pornography...it will not help your marriage and likely make it worse.<br />
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LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-48319773627747389742012-12-10T08:51:00.000-08:002012-12-10T10:00:51.205-08:00Holidays, Young Couples and the Families Who Love ThemAn unanticipated negotiation for young couples sometimes comes in the early years of marriage - which family to spend the holidays with - his, hers or try to do both? It does not occur to couples in the blissful stages of the wedding and planing for marriage that their holidays will never be the same. The couple has to pick one or the other family to spend each holiday with which means one or the other spouse will not be with their family.<br />
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Along with the richness and beauty of becoming a couple,there are inevitable losses. Not being with your family on the holiday 100% of the time on your timetable is one of those losses. I imagine it is a loss as well for the families of the young couples who now have to share their children with their child's spouse's family. There is a certain latent hostility inherent in in-law relationships which surfaces in all the tacky in-law jokes that you hear. Sharing is hard, especially sharing your adult kids and your treasured family traditions.<br />
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How do we gracefully untangle from this complex family tangle? <br />
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Letting go is probably a good start. Do not cling too tightly to the past and make space for your family traditions to morph into something new. I know this is easier said then done. You are a family in transition now - integrating the comforting traditions of the past with the new life that is weaving into the present.<br />
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Let yourself grieve and mourn as you let go of your childhood holiday traditions. Judith Viorst has a classic book called <i>Necessary Losses. </i> This is one of them. Grieve the loss of the old so you can welcome the new. It will save a lot of conflict and wear and tear. For those of you who embrace Christmas - along with the birth of the Christ child, embrace the holiday season that your family is birthing anew.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-58786360846222114832012-11-20T18:51:00.000-08:002012-11-20T18:51:42.582-08:00Holidays and the Fantasy of the Perfect Family<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Holidays are more complicated then they appear. Oozing with expectations from one too many fantasy-creating Hallmark images, holidays can be a recipe for disaster. The pressure to create a picture perfect family scenario of a thankful family carving the turkey is enormous. Those fantasies can lead to crushing perfectionism with our longing for what we wish had been. Our longings can cause us to try too hard and overlook the family that we do have now, in real time. Stir in a little alcohol at a family gathering and you can have a real mess. <br />
How can we avoid exhaustion,spending more then we have, trying to do it all, and other symptoms of addictively seeking the perfect holiday?<br />
1.) Staying in the here and now would probably be a good start. Rewinding to the past or fast forwarding to the future, probably won't enhance what you have now with the possible exception of fond and idealized reminiscences. They are probably okay.<br />
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2.) Radical acceptance of your family members is another good idea - with all their well known imperfections and character defects. Don't be mad at them for the discrepancy between your idealized notion of who they ought to be and who they are. Accepting them for who they are, loving them as is can be the beginning of authentic intimacy. I believe that I discovered that truth when I was teaching <i>Marriage and the Family</i> at DePaul when I taught about developmental stages of marriage. It's true. You have to mourn the idealized notion of who you wish your mother, father, son, daughter fill in the blank, oh yes, last but not least, spouse were. Then you have the glorious opportunity to love them for who they are...which might actually be cooler then who you wish they were and all the resultant resentment that goes along with that.<br />
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3.) For the final ingredient, stir in a little gratitude. I remember once having a whopping fight with my husband over the exact perfect positioning of the Christmas tree - in front of the window or in the corner? It was a classic fight for a holiday perfectionist and guaranteed to ruin anyone's day who happened to be within earshot. An acquaintance came by and marveled at the beauty of our tree. Somehow she dropped the fact that they did not have or could not afford a Christmas tree. It caused an immediate shift in my perspective about the necessity of the perfect tree. I suggest that you ask yourself <i>How important is it? </i>before you relapse into a holiday snit. And be grateful for the beauty of the half of your glass that is full.LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-65296922441904167092012-11-12T12:23:00.000-08:002012-11-19T20:49:24.940-08:00Maturity in MarriageSo, I was all set to write another post on unconscious fear of intimacy. I still will do that. God knows there are plenty of reasons to be fearful of intimacy - both conscious and unconscious, real and imagined. I found myself pondering what's really important in marriage? The older I get - the longer I both practice and am married, I realize that what's really important in marriage are the basics.<br />
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1.) <i>Kindness </i>- when in doubt don't growl or grumble at your spouse. An unexpected kind word or thank you will reap dividends in the emotional bank of marriage. The esteemed, revered and frequently quoted marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has learned from many hours of research and observation of couples that a harsh start-up in conversation dooms the rest of the conversation to a downhill, slippery slope of re activity. Duh. If you think about it, it is common sense 101. A tone or comment of kindness at the outset of a conversation guarantees a better outcome. <br />
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2.) <i>Saying sorry - </i> The 12 Step Programs (AA, Al-Anon) have a step<i> </i>which goes something like this <i>When we were wrong, promptly admitted it.</i> How's that for humility? Let's say you and your spouse are having words. What's the single most disarming thing that you can do to put a halt to the skirmish? Admit your part in it. Let's say you're 1% wrong and your spouse is 99% wrong. What's the right approach? Acknowledge your 1%. Own up and take full responsibility for your 1%. And then point out their 99%? You may wonder. The answer is no. Take responsibility for your part in the kerfuffle. Trust me you have a part in it.<br />
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3.) <i>Bend and you're less likely to break -</i> A little flexibility goes a very long way in marriage. When in doubt, surrender. Butting heads and power struggles are very characteristic of the early stages of marriage. Duking it out over the usual - time, money and which direction the toilet paper roll should hang may have a certain passionate exhilaration in your early<i> </i>twenties but the charm wears off rapidly and the winner often turns out to be the loser.<i> </i><br />
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Here's a noble for instance. This weekend my incredibly flexible and hardworking husband wanted to have dinner at <i>The Texas Roadhouse.</i> A noisy restaurant full of red meat eaters is pretty close to my idea of hell on earth. In Wisconsin, no less. In the middle of a two hour ride home, no less. Much to my credit, I did not moan, bitch or kvetch. I know right from wrong. The poor dude had been riding a lawn mower non-stop for three days straight. A steak it was...Love is sometimes eating at <i>The Texas Roadhouse</i> in Wisconsin.<br />
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4.) <i>Your spouse can not read your mind -</i> Say what you need. Wishing your spouse knew exactly what you want and need and will produce it unsolicited is a common but somewhat infantile fantasy. Do not expect your spouse to read your mind. It is not reasonable or realistic. You gotta let 'em know.<br />
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If couples who have been married a long time want to comment on the cement that has kept them together for all these years, I would love to hear from them. We need a little first hand experience which will no doubt put my steak eating sacrifice to shame. What are the basics that have strengthened your marriage?<br />
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LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-91627349525184426102012-11-03T08:25:00.002-07:002012-11-12T11:09:50.503-08:00Intimacy: Longing and Fear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span id="goog_1663384245"></span><span id="goog_1663384246"></span>Why do so many of us yearn for intimacy yet unconsciously sabotage it? What are we afraid of? An awesome part of our humanity is to love and crave a soul mate and companion with whom we can share our hearts and our lives. Why is achieving this wonderful and most basic human longing so complicated? <br />
Let me give you the short version of the answer to that question. Obviously, the answer is as complex as each individual situation - but I will give you some broad stroke thoughts on the answer. This is after all, Marriage Therapy 101.<br />
This profound longing for closeness and intimacy can stir up equally profound and often unconscious fears. A fear of abandonment, for example, is a common anxiety that starts to stir. If you have had a loss earlier in your life, say the loss of a parent by death or divorce, that fear of abandonment is easy to trace in a concrete sort of way. Sometimes it's just a free floating fear without an easily traceable source.<br />
Here's how this issue can get re-enacted in real time. Let's say a couple is taking baby steps towards feeling closer and more intimate. Seemingly out of nowhere, they are bickering and conflictual. One or the other has made a seemingly random comment that pushed the other's buttons and an argument has ensued. <br />
What just happened here? As they were tiptoeing into the waters of increased closeness and bonding, an unconscious fear of intimacy kicked in for one or the other or both of them. They are not consciously aware of picking a fight because they are afraid of being close. It happened unconsciously and served it's purpose. Although they are no longer as close as they were a few minutes ago, the unconscious fear of abandonment which they were not conscious of in the first place has gone away as well.<br />
Now what? In our intimacy scenario that we have described here, the couple squabble until they are now more separate then they were in the beginning of this encounter. Once they have pushed each other apart, reconciling behavior kicks in.They don't want to lost the other person. One or the other starts to make up until they are back at the original place they were when this all started.<br />
When I was training at the Family Institute many years ago, we called this<i> The Intimacy Feedback Loop</i>. We learned that there were predictable patterns of intimacy that couples learned to dance with one another which were to some degree calibrated by their unconscious fears of intimacy. <br />
Thirty years of practice and a lot of life later, I have learned that couples don't always fit into a tidy little diagram. Life is messier and more wonderful then that. However, there is something to this model. What fears might you have of intimacy? Once they are conscious and you are aware that they are in the mix, you can avoid re-enacting them. Feel free to send them along under the comment section. I will be happy to address them in a highly confidential manner on this blog.<br />
I love the saying from the 12 Step Programs, <i>Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.</i> It is possible for a couple to change their dance of intimacy. I see it every day and it warms my heart. Well, maybe not every day but often enough to know it's possible. <br />
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LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-78243687795659409872012-10-23T05:40:00.000-07:002012-10-23T05:40:30.779-07:00NEED IDEAS FROM READERS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As a therapist, I am better at a dialogue then a monologue. I want to write about relevant ideas that you the reader would like to hear about - from my perspective as a marriage therapist. If you the reader have any subjects - that are appropriate and I feel like I can reasonably address, please send them along. In the meantime, coming up soon, I will start a series on resolving conflict - I have some awesome suggestions that will definitely work. LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-7298007651263801522012-10-12T13:23:00.000-07:002012-10-25T09:04:14.284-07:00Sex and the SabbathI have always been intrigued by rhythms of work and rest. Being a worknik myself- which is a funky way of saying workaholic - probably explains why. In our culture it may sound noble, but it's actually a cruel and punishing way to live. Everyone I know is on fast forward.<br />
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When I picked up the book <i>Sabbath The Day of Delight </i>by Rabbi Abraham E .Millgram for 75 cents at the used book corner of my library, I did not know what I was in for. This book has become my friend and adviser.<br />
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The book describes a prescribed period of time where work is prohibited. By God, no less. Preparations for food and other necessities are completed in advance. It is a sacred day of rest. <br />
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The Sabbath starts at sundown and ends the following sundown. It opens with a prayer lighting of candles fresh bread <i>challah</i>, flowers on a white table cloth and a home made meal. Parents bless their children and prayers are said over the Sabbath meal using wine and spices.<br />
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In the words of a Jewish sage that I read, <i>The Sabbath is a day about being not doing.</i> It's a day of re-charging our batteries - spiritually, physically and psychically so that we can go back in the world re-newed and refreshed.<br />
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In case you are wondering, I am not Jewish. Discovering the Jewish observance of the Sabbath was like falling down a rabbit hole for me that opened into a whole new world. It is a breath of fresh air in a caffeinated world that is always on fast forward.<br />
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Your time perception changes and 24 hours feels like forever. One Christian theologian calls the Sabbath <i>a Cathedral in time. </i>Rabbi Heshel calls it a preview of eternity.<br />
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<i>How does all this relate to marriage? </i>you may be wondering by now. I googled sex and the Sabbath. I discovered that sex is not only allowed on the Sabbath, it is encouraged and endorsed. In fact it is a mitzvah.<br />
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Consistent with enjoying food, rest, family and other delights, sex between a married couple is one of the delights of the Sabbath. I have come to think of sex as the glue that holds married couples together. How sweet is it that sex has been a part of this ancient practice for centuries. A truly profound book on the subject of marriage for people of all faiths is <i>Sex, God and the Sabbath </i>by Rabbi Alan S. Green.<br />
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You may wonder what I am thinking as a marriage therapist. The answer is Shabbat Shalom. Have an awesome Sabbath. Go for it and your marriage will flourish, in fact it will be a little preview of heaven on earth. I have it on very good authority. <br />
<br />LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8330170774738965227.post-32104318192931247502012-08-16T22:51:00.000-07:002012-08-16T23:09:39.967-07:00 A Real Marriage - Hope Springs<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikaQ3bjvJDdxh3snA6oh_yxbLH8M-e9FQkhlJvJt9sViRKUCgJ0n-hoHRo7U1UnNuiXUjVuQRf6zDBYJ_xISJ9i4YfJxaUvtP0RKcp9QTb6qppRJQ9JI-8ZqKR5XS6OONrp3PQDWQB2eYu/s1600/Hope+Springs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikaQ3bjvJDdxh3snA6oh_yxbLH8M-e9FQkhlJvJt9sViRKUCgJ0n-hoHRo7U1UnNuiXUjVuQRf6zDBYJ_xISJ9i4YfJxaUvtP0RKcp9QTb6qppRJQ9JI-8ZqKR5XS6OONrp3PQDWQB2eYu/s1600/Hope+Springs.jpg" /></a><br />
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.<i>...that elusive American movie screen subject: an honest marriage</i>..is how the New York Times describes <i>Hope Springs</i>. Personally, I thought it was a terrific movie about marriage. Unlike <i>Abby and Ira </i>a movie which scoffs at marriage, <i>Hope Springs</i> portrays a real marriage and its possibilities.</div>
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Unsatisfied with a marriage where passion has dried up like an old grape, Kay (Meryl Streep) begins a determined but civil campaign to re-engage Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones) in an intimate marriage. Snoozing in front of the TV every night before he toddles off to his own bedroom, Arnold does not look like a likely candidate to have his marriage jump started. He eats the same breakfast every morning and reads the newspaper barely making eye contact with his pleasant wife.</div>
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Kay reads about a week long marriage intensive therapy session in Maine. She tells Arnold that she has purchased tickets to Maine and that she is going. She hopes he will too. Arnold's last minute arrival at the plane just as it it about to depart is the first sign that he is in this too. His willing if somewhat passive compliance bodes well for the future. </div>
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After they arrive in Maine and have several sessions with Dr. Feld the urgency to fix the marriage kicks up a notch. Arnold is finally getting how unhappy Kay is. It's time for him to make his move. To watch cautious, frugal Arnold finagle his way into a lovely restaurant to take Kay followed by a breathtakingly romantic evening in a beautiful room upstairs in an inn warms the cockles of this marriage therapist's heart. This guy is finally getting it - he needs to pursue his charming wife or risk losing her. Kay is a great role model for communicating what she needs without begging, cajoling, criticizing or tearing her hair out. You know in her quiet and demure way, she means business.</div>
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Arnold almost succeeds in a spectacular seduction scene and then, inexplicably, he is unable to complete the act of making love to his wife. Just when you thought they were going to live happily ever after. In their next session with Dr. Feld he is very matter of fact - he discharges them home with a new therapist...pleased with how far they have come. Accepting the almost spectacular seductions in marriage is an act of wisdom and, as they say,life. It does not always end like in the movies.</div>
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Back in their every day predictable life in Omaha, Kay has not been mollified. It's a real marriage or no marriage for Kay. There are no ugly threats or ultimatums. She's packing to go stay at her friend’s house to take care of the cat. I don't know how Arnold has figured out that this is in the works but he gets that it's now or never. With courage and boldness he marches into her bedroom and they make love for the first time in five years. The earth moved. The marriage was revived. The next morning, they go through their predictable breakfast routine. Arnold almost leaves like usual but retraces his steps and gives Kay the mother of all good-bye kisses. You know he will be back for more.</div>
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Kay and Arnold are what I would call marriage heroes. They hang in there despite a very long drought in their marriage. Neither of them had an affair of an addiction or any other garden variety means of acting out. The tolerated a severe drought in their marriage and yet they persevered and stayed married. Kay did not give up her dream for a real marriage including sex and all. Lots of older couples with all the complexities of aging in both sexes simply throw in the towel so to speak when it comes to sex but not Kay or Arnold.</div>
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As this couple whose love life had died, giggles and renews their vows in the final scene , you see the transformation that has taken place and that transformation, in fact resurrection, in marriage is possible. They are my heroes.</div>
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LINDAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05613651264613344191noreply@blogger.com0