Strychnine for Your Marriage

      What's that bad for your marriage?  Speaking from many years of clinical experience, one thing that is very bad for marriages is when one partner is into pornography. It is usually the husband. When I hear about the husband regularly staying up into the wee hours of the night, coming to bed after his wife, and a drop in their sexual frequency question marks start dancing around in my brain.  Maybe he has discovered a late night movie channel on TV but then again maybe not.
      Pornography and the associated practices drain off the libido from a marriage - like a short circuit in an electrical wire. Rather then a couple turning to one another for sexual release, the partner who is into porn is likely to turn to the computer.  What starts out as a short term release of tension - pornography viewing- can easily morph into addictive behavior.
         In his movie Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex Woody Allen has an orgasm machine that, as I recall, was like a little phone booth.  Instant orgasm.  I suppose you could call Internet porn like an instant orgasm machine - none of the interpersonal effort that goes into pleasing a real person and of course, no love. Sex - releases oxcytocin and dopamine -which contribute to bonding behavior and are a critical part of the glue between two people in a marriage.   Porn drains off the libido in a marriage, in my experience, decreases sexual frequency and the interpersonal bonding between a couple.  Sounds weird, but I can almost always tell when a couple in my office has had sex that week - they are more relaxed and less reactive to one another.
      Porn is a slippery slope and a heart breaker. It is almost always discovered sooner or later. I have worked with numerous situations where the kids have inadvertently stumbled across Dad's porn.
      I would like to exclude the disclaimer, that I am not a prude and have been around the block of life a few times myself.  I have raised a son through adolescence which taught me a thing or two about easy access to porn on the Internet.  Don't get me started...
      When it comes to one person pornography...it will not help your marriage and likely make it worse.
   
 

Holidays, Young Couples and the Families Who Love Them

An unanticipated negotiation for young couples sometimes comes in the early years of marriage - which family to spend the holidays with - his, hers or try to do both? It does not occur to couples in the blissful stages of the wedding and planing for marriage that their holidays will never be the same.  The couple has to pick one or the other family to spend each holiday with which means one or the other spouse will not be with their family.

 Along with the richness and beauty of becoming a couple,there are inevitable losses.  Not being with your family on the holiday 100% of the time on your timetable is one of those losses. I imagine it is a loss as well for the families of the young couples who now have to share their children with their child's spouse's family. There is a certain latent hostility inherent in in-law relationships which surfaces in  all the tacky in-law jokes that you hear.  Sharing is hard, especially sharing your adult kids and your treasured family traditions.

How do we gracefully untangle from this complex family tangle?

Letting go is probably a good start. Do not cling too tightly to the past and make space for your family traditions to morph into something new.  I know this is easier said then done.  You are a family in transition now - integrating the comforting traditions of the past with the new life that is weaving into the present.

Let yourself grieve and mourn as you let go of your childhood holiday traditions.  Judith Viorst has a classic book called Necessary Losses.  This is one of them.  Grieve the loss of the old so you can welcome the new.  It will save a lot of conflict and wear and tear.  For those of you who embrace Christmas - along with the birth of the Christ child, embrace the holiday season that your family is birthing anew.

Holidays and the Fantasy of the Perfect Family

     Holidays are more complicated then they appear.  Oozing with expectations from one too many fantasy-creating Hallmark images, holidays can be a recipe for disaster.  The pressure to create a picture perfect family scenario of a thankful family carving the turkey is enormous. Those fantasies can lead to crushing perfectionism with our longing for what we wish had been.  Our longings can cause us to try too hard and overlook the family that we do have now, in real time.  Stir in a little alcohol at a family gathering and you can have a real mess.  
    How can we avoid exhaustion,spending more then we have, trying to do it all, and other symptoms of addictively seeking the perfect holiday?
1.) Staying in the here and now would probably be a good start.  Rewinding to the past or fast forwarding to the future, probably won't enhance what you have now with the possible exception of fond and idealized reminiscences.  They are probably okay.

2.) Radical acceptance of your family members is another good idea - with all their well known imperfections and character defects.  Don't be mad at them for the discrepancy between your idealized notion of who they ought to be and who they are.  Accepting them for who they are, loving them as is can be the beginning of authentic intimacy.  I believe that I discovered that truth when I was teaching Marriage and the Family at DePaul when I taught about developmental stages of marriage. It's true.  You have to mourn the idealized notion of who you wish your mother, father, son, daughter fill in the blank, oh yes, last but not least, spouse were. Then you have the glorious opportunity to love them for who they are...which might actually be cooler then who you wish they were and all the resultant resentment that goes along with that.

3.) For the final ingredient, stir in a little gratitude.  I remember once having a whopping fight with my husband over the exact perfect positioning of the Christmas tree - in front of the window or in the corner? It was a classic fight for a holiday perfectionist and guaranteed to ruin anyone's day who happened to be within earshot.  An acquaintance came by and marveled at the beauty of our tree.  Somehow she dropped the fact that they did not have or could not afford a Christmas tree. It caused an immediate shift in my perspective about the  necessity of the perfect tree.  I suggest that you ask yourself How important is it? before you relapse into a holiday snit.  And be grateful for the beauty of the half of your glass that is full.

Maturity in Marriage

So, I was all set to write another post on unconscious fear of intimacy.  I still will do that.  God knows there are plenty of reasons to be fearful of intimacy - both conscious and unconscious, real and imagined.  I found myself pondering what's really important in marriage?  The older I get - the longer I both practice and am married, I realize that what's really important in marriage are the basics.

1.) Kindness - when in doubt don't growl or grumble at your spouse.  An unexpected kind word or thank you will reap dividends in the emotional bank of marriage.  The esteemed, revered and frequently quoted marriage researcher and therapist, John Gottman, has learned from many hours of research and observation of couples that a harsh start-up in conversation dooms the rest of the conversation to a downhill, slippery slope of re activity.  Duh.  If you think about it, it is common sense 101.  A tone or comment of kindness at the outset of a conversation guarantees a better outcome.

2.) Saying sorry -  The 12 Step Programs (AA, Al-Anon) have a step which goes something like this When we were wrong, promptly admitted it. How's that for humility?  Let's say you and your spouse are having words.  What's the single most disarming thing that you can do to put a halt to the skirmish?  Admit your part in it. Let's say you're 1% wrong and your spouse is 99% wrong.  What's the right approach? Acknowledge your 1%.  Own up and take full responsibility for your 1%. And then point out their 99%? You may wonder.  The answer is no.  Take responsibility for your part in the kerfuffle.  Trust me you have a part in it.

3.) Bend and you're less likely to break - A little flexibility goes a very long way in marriage.  When in doubt, surrender.  Butting heads and power struggles are very characteristic of the early stages of marriage.  Duking it out over the usual - time, money and  which direction the toilet paper roll should hang may have a certain passionate exhilaration in your early twenties but the charm wears off rapidly and the winner often turns out to be the loser. 
   
Here's a noble for instance.  This weekend my incredibly flexible and hardworking husband wanted to have dinner at The Texas Roadhouse. A noisy restaurant full of red meat eaters is pretty close to my idea of hell on earth. In Wisconsin, no less.  In the middle of a two hour ride home, no less.  Much to my credit, I did  not moan, bitch or kvetch. I know right from wrong.  The poor dude had been riding a lawn mower non-stop for three days straight. A steak it was...Love is sometimes eating at The Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin.

4.) Your spouse can not read your mind - Say what you need.  Wishing your spouse knew exactly what you want and need and will produce it unsolicited is a common but somewhat infantile fantasy. Do not expect your spouse to read your mind. It is not reasonable or realistic.  You gotta let 'em know.

If couples who have been married a long time want to comment on the cement that has kept them together for all these years, I would love to hear from them.  We need a little first hand experience which will no doubt put my steak eating sacrifice to shame. What are the basics that have strengthened your marriage?

Intimacy: Longing and Fear

Why do so many of us yearn for intimacy yet unconsciously sabotage it? What are we afraid of? An awesome part of our humanity is to love and crave a soul mate and companion with whom we can share our hearts and our lives. Why is achieving this wonderful and most basic human longing so complicated?
        Let me give you the short version of the answer to that question.  Obviously, the answer is as complex as each individual situation - but I will give you some broad stroke thoughts on the answer. This is after all, Marriage Therapy 101.
     This profound longing for closeness and intimacy can stir up equally profound and often unconscious fears.  A fear of abandonment, for example, is a common anxiety that starts to stir.  If you have had a loss earlier in your life, say the loss of a parent by death or divorce, that fear of abandonment is easy to trace in a concrete sort of way.  Sometimes it's just a free floating fear without an easily traceable source.
     Here's how this issue can get re-enacted in real time.  Let's say a couple is taking baby steps towards feeling closer and more intimate. Seemingly out of nowhere, they are bickering and conflictual. One or the other has made a seemingly random comment that pushed the other's buttons and an argument has ensued.    
      What just happened here?  As they were tiptoeing into the waters of increased closeness and bonding, an unconscious fear of intimacy kicked in for one or the other or both of them.  They are not consciously aware of picking a fight because they are afraid of being close.  It happened unconsciously and served it's purpose.  Although they are no longer as close as they were a few minutes ago, the unconscious fear of abandonment which they were not conscious of in the first place has gone away as well.
     Now what?  In our intimacy scenario that we have described here, the couple squabble until they are now more separate then they were in the beginning of this encounter.  Once they have pushed each other apart, reconciling behavior kicks in.They don't want to lost the other person. One or the other starts to make up until they are back at the original place they were when this all started.
     When I was training at the Family Institute many years ago, we called this The Intimacy Feedback Loop. We learned that there were predictable patterns of intimacy that couples learned to dance with one another which were to some degree calibrated by their unconscious fears of intimacy.
     Thirty years of practice and a lot of life later, I have learned that couples don't always fit into a tidy little diagram.  Life is messier and more wonderful then that. However, there is something to this model.  What fears might you have of intimacy? Once they are conscious and you are aware that they are in the mix, you can avoid re-enacting them.  Feel free to send them along under the comment section. I will be happy to address them in a highly confidential manner on this blog.
      I love the saying from the 12 Step Programs, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  It is possible for a couple to change their dance of intimacy.  I see it every day and it warms my heart.  Well, maybe not every day but often enough to know it's possible.

   
   

NEED IDEAS FROM READERS

As a therapist, I am better at a dialogue then a monologue.  I want to write about relevant ideas that you the reader would like to hear about - from my perspective as a marriage therapist. If you the reader have any subjects - that are appropriate and I feel like I can reasonably address, please send them along. In the meantime, coming up soon, I will start a series on resolving conflict - I have some awesome suggestions that will definitely work.

Sex and the Sabbath

I have always been intrigued by rhythms of work and rest. Being a worknik myself-  which is a funky way of saying workaholic -  probably explains why. In our culture it may sound noble, but it's actually a cruel and punishing way to live. Everyone I know is on fast forward.

When I picked up the book Sabbath The Day of Delight by Rabbi Abraham E .Millgram for 75 cents at the used book corner of my library, I did not know what I was in for. This book has become my friend and adviser.

The book describes a prescribed period of time where work is prohibited.  By God, no less. Preparations for food and other necessities are completed in advance. It is a sacred day of rest.

The Sabbath starts at sundown and ends the following sundown.  It opens with a prayer lighting of candles  fresh bread challah, flowers on a white table cloth and a home made meal. Parents bless their children and prayers are said over the Sabbath meal using wine and spices.

In the words of a Jewish sage that I read, The Sabbath is a day about being not doing. It's a day of re-charging our batteries - spiritually, physically and psychically so that we can go back in the world re-newed and refreshed.

In case you are wondering, I am not Jewish. Discovering the Jewish observance of the Sabbath was like falling down a rabbit hole for me that opened into a whole new world.  It is a breath of fresh air in a caffeinated world that is always on fast forward.

Your time perception changes and 24 hours feels like forever. One Christian theologian calls the Sabbath a Cathedral in time.  Rabbi Heshel calls it a preview of eternity.

How does all this relate to marriage? you may be wondering by now.  I googled sex and the Sabbath. I discovered that sex is not only allowed on the Sabbath, it is encouraged and endorsed.  In fact it is a mitzvah.

Consistent with enjoying food, rest, family and other delights, sex between a married couple is one of the delights of the Sabbath.  I have come to think of sex as the glue that holds married couples together. How sweet is it that sex has been a part of this ancient practice for centuries. A truly profound book on the subject of marriage for people of all faiths is Sex, God and the Sabbath by Rabbi Alan S. Green.

You may wonder what I am thinking as a marriage therapist.  The answer is Shabbat Shalom.  Have an awesome Sabbath. Go for it and your marriage will flourish, in fact it will be a little preview of heaven on earth.  I have it on very good authority.