More Wisdom for Couples from the Mouths of Babes...

I love this kid...I could write a blog post about each of his 20 things we should say more often....I especially love this one for couples,  It's okay to disagree just don't be mean about it.  Stay tuned to my follow-up to these wise words.

Another Brother Sister Story to Inspire Couples!

A Very Moving Video

Try applying this to your marriage.....

Saving Mr. Banks Revisited

Moved by the psychological lessons in Saving Mr. Banks, my husband and I schlepped off to see the movie again on a frigid Chicago night.  Generally, one viewing per movie is my limit. I schlepped off to see the movie a second time because I thought I had more to learn from it.

This movie is about PL Travers, the author of Mary Poppins and her relationship with Walt Disney.  PL Travers had an alcoholic father who died when she was 7 and a depressed, suicidal mother. Interestingly enough, Walt Disney,too, had a difficult childhood with a father who could be characterized as emotionally abusive.  it is not uncommon to find married couples who each have had painful childhoods fraught with trauma.



What stood out to me in my second viewing were the personality traits of Mrs. Travers that are characteristic of adults who have grown up in an alcoholic family.  To say that Mrs. Travers had profound difficulty with flexibility and trust would be an understatement.  From the moment that she steps on the plane to the US, she it totally unable to accept help from anyone for something as simple as stowing her baggage in the overhead compartment.  Repeatedly her chilly response to anyone kindly offering her assistance is, "No thank you. I'm perfectly capable myself."  

Being forced to assume super-human amounts of responsibility as children, ACOAs develop a shell of pseudo independence that is tough to penetrate, and I might add, to love. A peek into the childhood of PL Travers reveals heartbreaking scenes. Ultimately, she feels that she is responsible for the survival of both parents.  That is a load to heavy for any child to bear.  Mrs. Travers inability to accept warmth and help and her controlling nature have evolved from her childhood experience where life was totally out of control.
There were no big people around to shoulder the horrific emotional blows and losses that Mrs. Travers experienced as a child.  

If you understand Mrs. Travers in the context of her childhood,it is much easier to have compassion and understanding for her.  Although it may be a very sanctified picture of Walt Disney in this flick, he does a terrific job of getting Mrs. Travers and relating to her in a productive and gently confronting way.

Whether you are a Mrs. Travers yourself or married to one, understanding yourself or your spouse in the context of the pain that either they or you grew up in will always help. Don't psychoanalyze your spouse or pepper them with interpretations about their childhood.  That is an understandable impulse but a terrible idea. Trust me, it never works.  But seeing yourself or your spouse through eyes of understanding and empathy will always help. It's a tall order but it works.

Are you married to an ACOA or are one yourself? You gotta see Saving Mr. Banks...

 Saving Mr. Banks is a powerful and poignant portrait of PL Travers, the author of Mary Poppins. Flashbacks to the childhood of this formal and crotchety British author provide  profound insight into the inflexible and rigid  Mrs. Travers.  Her alcoholic father was alternately warm, generous,loving and vicious and cruel. Her mother wears the weary mask of the wife of an alcoholic. In a scene that takes your breath away, she walks into the lake in a suicide attempt. Fortunately PL Travers' mother is rescued by her hyper -vigilant daughter.

The movie flows gracefully between the past and the present.  Mrs. Travers struggles with the songwriters as they attempt to transform Mary Poppins to a Disney movie.  Having grown up in trauma, loss and chaos she does not surrender control easily if at all.  Control struggles and an unyielding sense of always being right are pretty typical symptoms of adults whose childhood was more or less out of control.

Walt Disney who discloses to Mrs. Travers about his own painful childhood astutely intuits what Mrs. Travers needs.  Although she vigorously protests, a day in Disney World is precisely the find of fun and leisure that Mrs. Travers sorely lacked as a child.  ACOA's often do not do well with fun and leisure and like Mrs. Travers have to be dragged kicking and screaming.

My favorite line in the movie is by Walt Disney.  Our stories are redemptive, he says. That's what we story tellers do. We restore order with imagination.  We instill hope again and again and again. Both P.L.Travers and Walt Disney found redemption and healing for their childhood pain through telling their stories through the magical lenses of their characters.  

What does all this have to do with marriage therapy, you may be scratching your head and asking yourself.  Saving Mr. Banks is a wonderful lesson in empathy.  If you are married to someone like P.L.Travers  or recognize a bit of her in yourself try seeing your spouse or yourself through the lens of their childhood trauma.

Underneath the brittle exterior is often a frightened child who is terrified of change.  If, like Walt Disney, you can avoid control battles with the adult child of an alcoholic and comfort the frightened child who is cowering within that exterior of control you can go a long way towards making a connection.    

The Story of a Very Bad Relationship

Did you ever wonder why people stay in emotionally abusive relationships? The story of Sooty-Foot the dappled mare and her encounter with Rusty the conniving  cat may give you some insight.

Sooty-Foot by Stephen Cosgrove (c 2012 S. Cosgrove) is a kids book that shows the insidious dynamics of an exploitive relationship. If you are interested in this subject - living it, teaching it or know someone who is - I suggest you read this story.

Sooty-Foot is a special dappled mare - sensitive and perhaps a bit lonely who becomes charmed by Rusty the tomcat.  Rusty tells Sooty-Foot stories, feeds her sweet smelling hay and invites her to stay in a cozy stall.  Sooty-Foot is soon working for Rusty in an effort to repay his kindness.

The relationship shifts as Rusty feeds Sooty-Foot less and uses criticism and blaming to spur Sooty- Foot on. Sooty-Foot felt very bad. It must have been her fault. "I'm sorry! Maybe I can help you with the chores again?" 

Sooty-Foot goes back to work. "I must work harder," she thought. "Then Rusty will be my friend again and tell me stories like he used to."

This story describes the sequence of an abusive relationship.  The vulnerable Sooty-Foot accepts the blame and consciously or not feels that she is to blame for the abuse.

Children with  an abusive parent both love and hate the parent. They unconsciously believe that 1.) They are to blame for the abuse and 2.) If only they work harder, try harder that they can restore the relationship to the original blissful state.  The same may be true of relationships of adults who had an abusive or neglectful parent.

Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful and crazy making.  Rusty intermittently feeds Sooty Foot and tells her stories and then cruelly criticizes her. The child's wish to rekindle the parents love - and the underlying fantasy of omnipotence- is what fuels the relationship and why, in this case, Sooty-Foot works harder and harder to regain Rusty's lost affection.

Finally,after enduring considerable abuse, Sooty-Foot runs away. She looks into a stream and gazing back at her is her reflection of a beautiful, dappled mare.She realizes that she  is not a stupid, ugly horse like Rusty has been telling her.

I encourage you to read this story about how abusive relationships work.  A picture book is worth a thousand words. (Stephencosgrove.com) If you suspect you might be a Sooty Foot or in a relationship like this one, listen up. You are most likely a beautiful dappled mare.

BLAMING

Blaming is a first cousin of verbal abuse.  This house is such a mess, it's your fault that I yell when I come home.

Blaming is a form of abdication of responsibility. It is exactly what it sounds like - blaming someone else for your own behavior.

Alcoholics are notorious for blaming behavior. If only you did or did not do this....then I would not drink so much. If only you were - fill in the blank -nicer, thinner, sexier,more understanding - I would not - fill in the blank again- drink, drug, watch porn or act like a jerk.

For the person being blamed, it is very important not to buy into the blame.  If you are sensitive and tend towards over responsibility that is hard  but important.  Not buying into the blame, takes the power right out of it. I am not suggesting that the person being blamed be insensitive, just that they do not assume responsibility for whatever it is they are being blamed for.  If you had a tough childhood with more then your share of trauma, you may be inclined to assume responsibility for stuff you did not do.

Al-anon has a great slogan, You did not cause it, you can not cure it, you can not control it. That slogan refers to alcoholism and is a great mantra for spouses and children of alcoholics or anyone who is in a family where blame is bandied about. Say that to yourself over and over.  Be kind as possible to the blamer.  When necessary implement another great Al-anon slogan, Detach with love.  

We all regress a little in our marriages. Take a walk, call a friend or read a book.  Come back together when the blaming dies down.  Blessings on your journey to surviving the rough pockets in marriage.