Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Patterns of Pursuit in Marriage

There are predictable patterns of interactions that take place in relationships- especially intimate ones. One  pattern that everyone recognizes is the pursuer/distancer.  In short - one person pursues, initiates and reaches out for connection and love in whatever shape or form is meaningful to them.  This is not necessarily a conscious plan, more of an instinctive reaching out.

  What happens in the pursuer/distancer  dyad is that when the pursuer reaches out, the distancer may pull away or at the very least not respond on the timetable of the pursuer. And the chase is on...creating what I learned to call at the Family Institute, an intimacy feedback loop.  That is a technical term to describe the dance of intimacy that takes place in normal every day relationships. When the chase takes huge swings - say between intimacy and violence- it is on the more dysfunctional end of the continuum.  Most relationships have a dance of intimacy - that is what makes them both fun and frustrating.

This is where most marriage manuals would step in with a clinical example. I generally hate clinical examples and skip over them if at all possible.One of the best descriptions of this dance is in and article by Joseph Barnett called Narcissism in the Obsessional Hysteric Marriage. I will do my best to track it down for you - there were no such things as links when this article was published, but it is timeless.

Essentially what happens, to simplify the dance greatly, is that the pursuer reaches out and is sensitive to real or perceived abandonment - a late phone call or no phone call at all, a glance that is not returned or a rebuffed advance are hurtful to anyone but some people are particularly vulnerable to this type of wound. Early childhood losses magnify the sensitivity to here and now losses.   The pursuer intensifies the chase in an attempt to repair the wound and to re-connect.  Each time the distancer pulls back and does not respond  in what the pursuer experiences as a reconciling or healing gesture, the pursuer is wounded.  Finally the pursuer gives up the pursuit and chills - most likely hurt and annoyed. When the pursuer stop pursuing, giving the distancer a chance to experience the loss of connection and intimacy, most likely the distancer will turn around and finally seek the pursuer becoming - the pursuer himself or herself.  Maybe I should have stuck with a clinical example after all.

The moral of this story - if you are a pursuer and find your self in a pursuer/distancer chase - is to chill. Chill meaning don't continue the pursuit for now.  Let your  partner or spouse know what you needs are. It hurts my feelings when you come home late. I would appreciate it if you would make every effort to get home when you see you would or to call and let me know you will be late. When they do respond to your request, be sure and let them know that you appreciate it.  Excellent self care and focusing on yourself, again, for the time being, will help when you are in the middle of a relentless pursuit.  In fact paradoxically, ending the pursuit will turn the whole thing around.   

I'll give you a little time to digest this and talk about the distancer in my next post.  In the meantime, I welcome dialogue and questions from readers.

6 comments:

  1. Hi Linda, thanks for this article. What is an example of a pursuer "pursuing" verses expressing needs?

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    1. What a great question. My first thought is that in the pursuer/distancing cycle that I am describing, the pursuing tends to be repetitive and cyclical. The pursuer is trying to reach or obtain something that is always moving away. Expressing your needs is simply stating them and putting them out there - less of a chase and more of a statement. Stating ones needs does not guarantee that they will be met. It's simply letting the other person know what you need. I will think of a concrete example and post it later. Thanks for asking! Linda

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  2. In my practice and marriages (2) I have found it helpful to ask the distancer to pick a time when they would be willing (or maybe able) to talk about the problem/situation, Sadly sometimes I have been left to say "let me know when you'd like to talk about it" as I let go and that time never comes. I sense that the pain gets "forgotten", burried underground with time but erupts later with greater hurt or anger than the immediate situation inspired. Only then do I have an opportunity to actively listen with compassion, clinging to my center gently sorting out what pain is from the immediate present situation and what is probably from the past which I now can do nothing about. This NOT easy stuff to sort out!!! Andy McPherson LMSW retired

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  3. Hello, I'm in a pursuer/distancer marriage and I'm the pursuer wife! I love my Husband and he loves me but we're tried of our arguments. Is there a formula for couples like us? Whatever we do, we couldnt find a solution.. There's a tension between us and he always complains that I'm too dependent to him and he feels like he's trapped and I want to socialize together or talk and share all the time.. We don't want to divorce but we really want to be happy together.. What can we do and is it Possible to survive think type of marriage?? Thank u so much, I really need help!

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    1. Aruizdemir, I love your question. Sorry for the delay responding to it...there kind of is a solution...you need to shift the focus from your husband to yourself. Focus on yourself big time and do all that you can to take care of yourself. It sounds counter-intuitive but do what you can to consciously stop pursuing...when you think you can't stand it anymore, the patterns will start to change. Trust me. Feel free to continue the dialogue. So glad you asked.

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