Monday, July 1, 2013


Blaming is a first cousin of verbal abuse.  This house is such a mess, it's your fault that I yell when I come home.

Blaming is a form of abdication of responsibility. It is exactly what it sounds like - blaming someone else for your own behavior.

Alcoholics are notorious for blaming behavior. If only you did or did not do this....then I would not drink so much. If only you were - fill in the blank -nicer, thinner, sexier,more understanding - I would not - fill in the blank again- drink, drug, watch porn or act like a jerk.

For the person being blamed, it is very important not to buy into the blame.  If you are sensitive and tend towards over responsibility that is hard  but important.  Not buying into the blame, takes the power right out of it. I am not suggesting that the person being blamed be insensitive, just that they do not assume responsibility for whatever it is they are being blamed for.  If you had a tough childhood with more then your share of trauma, you may be inclined to assume responsibility for stuff you did not do.

Al-anon has a great slogan, You did not cause it, you can not cure it, you can not control it. That slogan refers to alcoholism and is a great mantra for spouses and children of alcoholics or anyone who is in a family where blame is bandied about. Say that to yourself over and over.  Be kind as possible to the blamer.  When necessary implement another great Al-anon slogan, Detach with love.  

We all regress a little in our marriages. Take a walk, call a friend or read a book.  Come back together when the blaming dies down.  Blessings on your journey to surviving the rough pockets in marriage.

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