FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is such a profound yet simple, topic. I amaze myself that I have the chutzpah to write a heading entitled Forgiveness and then attempt to address is in a few paragraphs. It is, however, a key ingredient to surviving the every day, nitty gritty of marital conflict and the horrific betrayal of infidelity.
What is forgiveness? I would define it as a conscious, intentional decision to let go of an angry response that you would be entitled to in order to balance the scales of justice. From my perspective, forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. Don't expect to wake up one morning feeling "forgiving." In all likelihood, it is a decision that you will make. Forgiveness, despite what most people think, is not dependent on the other person saying sorry, a big sorry or a little sorry. Or making amends, as they say in the 12 Step Programs. From my vantage point it is an act of the will.
In the context of infidelity, forgiveness is not a cheap and easy Get Out of Jail free card for the spouse who has been unfaithful. The spouse who has been betrayed needs to feel the pain, anger, hurt, indignity of the infidelity as long as it takes. If the couple is in a safe place, such as a marital therapy context. The betrayed spouse needs to be able to express their feelings as long as necessary to the spouse who has been unfaithful. Is there a time table for this? Think months not days.
If the spouse who has been unfaithful wants to salvage the marriage, making amends by just listening - and listening - and listening, as long as it takes is the best way to repair and bring healing to the marriage. Being defensive, justifying and blaming will only bring the process back to GO. It's all about the unfaithful spouse taking responsibility for their behavior and hearing the other person's pain.
It goes without saying that unequivocally, contact with the third party involved in an affair needs to an in order for the marriage to move forward. Unequivocally.

P.S. Although I am a save-the-marriage under almost any circumstances kind of person, from my perspective infidelity is a divorce-able offense.

INFIDELITY - More Tips on How to Manage It

Infidelity is a painful issue to write about, and pulverizing to live through. It is a heartbreak beyond a heartbreak. It is the ultimate betrayal. But, it is survivable.

This is a nightmare that I have lived through with couples many times. There are things you can do that help.

If you have been unfaithful to your spouse and you want to reconcile, I have found that full disclosure works best. It may seem counter-intuitive but in my experience spouses who have been betrayed find solace and hearing all the details. Don't stop reading. I can't fully explain, but they do. Their fantasies are undoubtedly worse then the actual facts. Cheated on spouses know on a global sense that they have been betrayed. It is much better, generally, and in my experience to connect the dots and give them the whole truth.

If you don't disclose at least the fact of the affair, your marriage, for all practical purposes goes on hold. You may stay together under the same roof, in the same bed but a lie about an affair is the beginning of the death of a marriage. And filling in the details is oddly comforting to the spouse who has been cheated on. After the whole truth is out on the table, forgiveness can begin. More to follow.

INFIDELITY

The subject of Infidelity is one that is close to my heart. It is a painful journey that I have accompanied many couples on. The good news is that it can be resolved and healed. Couples can end up closer then ever before if they have forgiven and truly done the hard work of getting through the trauma of an affair.

Infidelity is probably the signal biggest trauma that can impact the marriage relationship. The betrayal of infidelity - once it is discovered - is heart-shattering to the person who has been betrayed. It is a smashing of the emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual threads that form the bond of marital intimacy. Whether or not the marriage is, at the moment, a happy one, a bond exists between married couples and infidelity shatters that bond. Like an unexpected car crash that totals the car where the drivers and passengers barely survive with their lives - infidelity is a painful experience - requiring lots of healing.

I am indebted to the thinking and writing of Frank Pittman, a psychiatrist who specializes in treating couples where there has been infidelity and author of Private Lies, my own common sense and the roots of all the major religions with the perspective that they bring on this subject. For a marriage and a family, infidelity is never a good thing. In fact it is a tragedy.
In the family therapy world, there are several schools of thought about infidelity - one is that it is a symptom of a bad marriage and both spouses, are, in effect, at fault. I do not buy that school of thought.

There is another school of thought which Frank Pittman espouses and based on my clinical experience I totally agree with. He calls an affair temporary insanity. Blaming the unfaithful spouse is blaming the victim. Again, common sense 101 is that affairs are less probable in a blissfully happy marriage. The person having the affair has lots of choices about how to handle his or her misery. An affair externalizes the misery, creates a bond with a third person and short circuits an possibility of dealing directly with the issues that have led to the affair. It does not solve anything and may in fact end your marriage.

So, if you are having an affair - man or woman up and, as I tell my unfaithful clients, be prepared to say a really big sorry. Part of your sorry will be listening to a really pissed-off spouse and allowing them to vent their hurt and disappointment. In fact that is pretty much the course of therapy - for the unfaithful partner to listen and the pissed off partner to say what they need to say for as long as they need to say it. There comes a time for forgiveness, of course, but forgiveness and cheap grace are not the same. The cheated on spouse has to express their feelings for as long as it takes. After the trauma of the affair has been dealt with - the underlying intimacy issues can be addressed. I always remind my clients, or at least think it, What do you expect? You violated one of the Ten Big Ones. Ask Moses.