More Thoughts on Money and Decision Making

Last week's blog post was about an underlying truth that wise and mature couples practice.  When in doubt about spending, defer to your spouse.  If you can.  I appreciate that is much easier said then done.  It may not always be possible but when it is will be a great investment in your marriage if not in getting your own way.

Other bits and pieces of wisdom that I have learned over the year are as follows: pick an amount over which you will not spend without a marital consultation - say $50, $100, or $200.  After that, have an agreed upon amount over which you will confer with one another about the purchase.  Like a boat for example.  Do not purchase a boat without conferring with your spouse. The same goes for a pet.  I once bought a Saint Bernard for a boyfriend decades ago.  That's how I know what I'm talking about regarding unilateral decisions and pets.  The same concept applies for smaller pets but that may be a posting for another day.

Don't make big decisions unilaterally.  That is the moral of today's post.    

Money 101

Money and marriage...or is it marriage and money? You've heard all the warnings about how struggles about money are the root of all evil in marriage leading down the slippery slope to divorce court.

I'm not entirely sure that is true but I am glad to share what I have learned on my journey as a marriage therapist and, in my civilian life as a married person.

I'll start with the basics. Money in the here and now - real time, as they say. Not money as a symbolic and perhaps unconscious way to act out hostility and who knows what else but just plain old money issues.

First of all, consensus is great when it comes to spending money in marriage. I would say, when in doubt, check in with your spouse before spending money. It will earn you currency in your marital emotional bank. Take out your cell phone and call. Honey, I'm thinking of buying a $200 pair of shoes. I really need them so my chiropractor won't scoff at me for wearing such crappy shoes which make my back ache and then I am snarly at home. I know they're a lot of money but I think they will be a great investment. Okay with you? How could anyone say no to such a heartfelt and reasonable request? It is always good politics not to mention thoughtful and reasonable to check in with your spouse before you make a large-ish purchase. There's lots more to be said on the subject of marriage and money but I think this is a pretty good over arching principle to start out with. When in doubt, check in with your spouse before you spend.

RANDOM MUSINGS OF A MARITAL THERAPIST OR THERAPISTS ARE PEOPLE TOO

A friend who checks up on my blog postings graciously mentioned to me this morning that next week will have been a month since my last posting. Life happens. After a lifetime of what I brazenly call near perfect health, like a bolt of lightening, sciatica took over my body and I have been like a human pin cushion from the waist down for three weeks or so - I lost my Kindle, I swear caused by cognitive discombobulation caused by the pain from the sciatica, and my computer needed to be replaced leaving me computerless for 10 days or so.

Geez, the last thing I need is a therapist who talks about her own issues instead of listening to me, you may be saying to yourself. I don't blame you and trust me, in my office, it's all about you and your marriage. Perhaps my life lessons can have some relevance to your marriage and marriage in general.

One thing that I have learned during this slightly out of control chapter of my life is that people tend to get snarly when they're in pain. That would be me. I have often not had enough compassion for my husband who is a titch older that I am and has very creaky joints. Be nice to people who are in pain. It takes over a big percentage of your life and waking moments.

Take great care of yourself. Slow down. One of my wisest mentors used to always say to me like a mantra Listen to your body. I pass that wisdom onto my clients as well. You can't really love someone else unless you love yourself first.

Meanwhile, at the risk of sounding like little Susie Sunshine, this chapter of my life is giving me a chance to slow down, realize that despite my considerable grandiosity I am not super woman, and get back in touch with my physical self. As I have been slowly and meditatively swimming in the pool - something I never would have done without this bolt of lightening, it occurs to me that pain might be a gift...I actually mean that.

No Cheating, No Dying by Elizabeth Weil

Imagine my surprise when I opened the Book Review Section of the New York Times Book Review section and saw a review of a book by the author who I mentioned in my previous post. Did you follow me on that?

In last week's Sunday NY Times she wrote a piece about how most therapists are intimidated by couples therapy. As a couples therapist, I took umbrage at that but ultimately knew it to be true. I too was a less then seasoned couples therapist once and I know how complicated a treatment modality it is. I shot off an email to Ms. Weil and a letter to the editor at the NY Times. Imagine my surprise at a prompt reply from Liz Weil.

If you're following this blog, you might want to check out her book which describes her and her husband's sojourn through the land of marital improvement - including following a do-it yourself-remedy from a self-help manual, a psychoanalytic couples therapist, a marriage education class and an Imago therapy workshop, and surely not least, sex therapy. I should mention that they started with a reasonably happy marriage. I don't know about you all, but personally, I can't wait to read it.

Maggie Scarf, the reviewer who is one of the best writers on the subject of marriage who I have stumbled across over the decades likes the book. That's a pretty good endorsement. If you read the book, let me know what you think. How does it compare to your journey? I'll let you know my 2 cents worth.

How Not to Find a Couples Therapist

Elizabeth Weil revealed a dirty little secret in her article Three's A Crowd in this past Sunday's New York Times. The secret which is pushed back in the recesses of most seasoned therapist's consciousness goes something like this most therapists are intimidated by couples therapy. There I said it. To quote her quote by Richard Simon editor of Psychotherapy Networker, "It is widely acknowledged that couples therapy is the most challenging." Mon Dieu! No wonder there are so many unsatisfied former marriage therapy customers running around. Marriage therapy is a very tough treatment modality and lots of therapists are not comfortable with it.

Lest I do her essay an injustice, read it for yourself. Here's the link. Or go back and read it later.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?scp=1&sq=+Three%27s+A+Crowd&st=nyt

There are however a few of us ripe and seasoned therapists kicking around who by virtue of professional and personal experience love marriage therapy, are not remotely intimidated by squabbling couples and, in my case, feel as proud as a mother hen when couples report greater intimacy and peace in their home. It does happen as an outcome of marriage therapy.

Given that marital therapy is a very complex treatment modality and given that therapists are coming out of the closet and admitting they are "intimidated" by marital therapy, finding a competent marital therapist requires a specialized search. Do not. I repeat do not pick a marital therapist off of your insurance panel just because you will only have to pay a $25 co-pay. Randomly picking a marriage therapist off a list is a bad idea. Your marriage is a precious investment. I always tell my clients that I am a lot cheaper then a divorce attorney - I don't mention by more then 50% from a low end divorce attorney but that is also true. If you want to save time and money pick someone who knows what they're doing.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is such a profound yet simple, topic. I amaze myself that I have the chutzpah to write a heading entitled Forgiveness and then attempt to address is in a few paragraphs. It is, however, a key ingredient to surviving the every day, nitty gritty of marital conflict and the horrific betrayal of infidelity.
What is forgiveness? I would define it as a conscious, intentional decision to let go of an angry response that you would be entitled to in order to balance the scales of justice. From my perspective, forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. Don't expect to wake up one morning feeling "forgiving." In all likelihood, it is a decision that you will make. Forgiveness, despite what most people think, is not dependent on the other person saying sorry, a big sorry or a little sorry. Or making amends, as they say in the 12 Step Programs. From my vantage point it is an act of the will.
In the context of infidelity, forgiveness is not a cheap and easy Get Out of Jail free card for the spouse who has been unfaithful. The spouse who has been betrayed needs to feel the pain, anger, hurt, indignity of the infidelity as long as it takes. If the couple is in a safe place, such as a marital therapy context. The betrayed spouse needs to be able to express their feelings as long as necessary to the spouse who has been unfaithful. Is there a time table for this? Think months not days.
If the spouse who has been unfaithful wants to salvage the marriage, making amends by just listening - and listening - and listening, as long as it takes is the best way to repair and bring healing to the marriage. Being defensive, justifying and blaming will only bring the process back to GO. It's all about the unfaithful spouse taking responsibility for their behavior and hearing the other person's pain.
It goes without saying that unequivocally, contact with the third party involved in an affair needs to an in order for the marriage to move forward. Unequivocally.

P.S. Although I am a save-the-marriage under almost any circumstances kind of person, from my perspective infidelity is a divorce-able offense.

INFIDELITY - More Tips on How to Manage It

Infidelity is a painful issue to write about, and pulverizing to live through. It is a heartbreak beyond a heartbreak. It is the ultimate betrayal. But, it is survivable.

This is a nightmare that I have lived through with couples many times. There are things you can do that help.

If you have been unfaithful to your spouse and you want to reconcile, I have found that full disclosure works best. It may seem counter-intuitive but in my experience spouses who have been betrayed find solace and hearing all the details. Don't stop reading. I can't fully explain, but they do. Their fantasies are undoubtedly worse then the actual facts. Cheated on spouses know on a global sense that they have been betrayed. It is much better, generally, and in my experience to connect the dots and give them the whole truth.

If you don't disclose at least the fact of the affair, your marriage, for all practical purposes goes on hold. You may stay together under the same roof, in the same bed but a lie about an affair is the beginning of the death of a marriage. And filling in the details is oddly comforting to the spouse who has been cheated on. After the whole truth is out on the table, forgiveness can begin. More to follow.